It Is Not My Fault I Do Not Evacuate and This Makes YOU Worry.

I posted this after Gustav on my In The Bull's Eye blog and revised it a bit here.

           From Wednesday, September 3, 2008.

Tonight, when residents were returning to the city, I went and met with some people and talked about how we felt about our reactions to the storm. A lot of people expressed distress that they'd evacuated because other people had begged and badgered them into doing so. There was an overall consensus that those of us who stayed were choosing to have confidence in ourselves and be true to that and risked making our loved ones very angry, and now felt unnecessarily guilty and ashamed (note: I no longer allow people to make me feel unnecessarily guilty and ashamed).

I'm just going to go ahead and say that I am annoyed that some people who urged me to evacuate are disappointed in me, or didn't think I could cope with staying here, or think I'm a selfish idiot. 

Note: Three years later, I am more aware that I remain calmer in a crisis than I do when it is not a crisis.

I'll never know what I could have coped with if things had been worse. I am going to say that I did stay on ground that did not flood during Katrina, so if the same areas that flooded had flooded this time, my generator would have functioned differently than the generators owned by people staying in areas that flooded. 

Maybe I was crazy for thinking that if an area didn't flood during Katrina, it wouldn't flood during Gustav. That's the logic most of the people who stayed who I've been interviewing followed.

I'm glad that those of you who evacuated are having a great time out there enjoying whatever vacation spot you've landed in, and I really mean that. Maybe the fact that I was camping for the past 2 months made me hesitant to see this evacuation as a vacation. I stand by the fact that I couldn't have handled evacuating. My car wouldn't start on Sunday. I could not have carried 3 animals in a friend's truck. Those are coincidences; I'd already decided to stay.

The main point that everyone I met with tonight at 8 p.m. and everyone I interviewed agreed upon is that it is not fair to yell at someone for staying, to ream someone out for staying, to accuse someone who is staying of causing one stress that he or she does not need.  

That is something for a person to discuss with his or her own  therapist. It is not my fault that certain people had nothing better to do than blame me for contributing to their stress. I am not talking about Joe or Sarah or Matt here, whose comments were brief and came from love and concern and not anger. I am speaking for everyone who chose to stay here and  didn't need to hear it from everyone who was watching CNN news or suffering from whatever affliction prevents them from staying out of other people's lives. 

It does not help to browbeat a person into evacuating. Some of my friends who evacuated because they were yelled at and blamed for others' anxiety are a mess now. They're either not back yet or here, crying and breaking down that they are more anxious than ever. They may be ingesting certain beverages that are deadly for them.

People make their own choices, and I am not blaming anyone who evacuated. I am not sitting here thinking I was smarter than anyone else. I was just lucky that it wasn't Nagin's "Mother of all storms" and that I had my wits together to prepare for the storm. The fact that my parents supported me speaks volumes, and they actually listened to my plan instead of telling me I was putting the life of a rescue worker at risk.

So for all of you out there who reamed out those of us who stayed, who yelled at us and belittled us and bombarded us with distracting text messages about how we contributed to your anxiety,  please try to keep the focus on yourselves next time. Your venting did not help. Whatever calm reaction/behavior the people who stayed held onto was in spite of the blame and anxiety of other people.  When you called and emailed me and asked me to drive by your house to see if it had flooded, I did. I took photographs and emailed them to you and uploaded them to my blog and even to Facebook immediately. 

So remember that the next time you want me to pack up my cat and sit in traffic on the interstate and not smoke in your car. Because if you manage to knock me unconscious and drive me out of here, it is then that you will have to worry about me. I cannot handle evacuating (I can provide a doctor's note), and you would not want me with you. 

And if a mandatory evacuation is called this summer, if I get even one angry email from a NOLA resident about how much of a burden I am for not evacuating, I will not respond to that person's requests for photographs, house checks, or tips for getting back into the city.

With love, 

Tara Jill

Sunday Night from During Hurricane Gustav

I imported this from my old blog that I started during Hurricane Gustav. The old blog New Orleans In The Bullseye is still around, but my complex relationship with Google made me want to link this blog to my other blogs. I imported the old blog and renamed it Flood Street.

Here is an early entry from the old blog, dated Sunday, August 31, 2008.

I'm not used to having a blog, and this feels really awkward. For one thing, I'm just giving this list of events and initial impressions that I haven't been able to analyze, so I feel like I'm just rambling. For another thing, I am not aiming for quality prose at this time. I don't know how people write these great blogs like antiplath.

I almost left this afternoon, and I thank the people who told me to, especially Sarah. I know that people are angry with me because now they have to worry about me. I don't want anyone to think that I imagine myself being tough or strong or that I think I have something special that anyone else doesn't have.

J and I keep getting text messages from people all over the country (people who were already in other parts of the country as opposed to those who evacuated). It seems many people have gotten the impression that if people in New Orleans metro leave their homes, they will be sent to Angola.

The curfew is when it gets dark, and looters will be taken to Angola. Anyone stopped who isn't looting should have a very good reason for being out after dark, and if they do, they will not be taken to Angola or anywhere else.

Bob Breck was on Fox around 7 p.m. Many people have written in on his blog that they can't get him on television. He has good news.

He began by saying, "I am addressing those people in New Orleans metro who did not evacuate."

He said confidently that Hurricane Gustav is not the mother of all storms as C. Ray Nagin described it. He also said this storm will not be nearly as bad as Katrina. According to Bob, the storm has shifted northwest and is moving quickly. Our side of the storm is not the strong side; it's being killed by a dry pocket of air. A miracle. He called this a dealable storm for people in New Orleans metro. "It won't be catastrophic," he said. He expects it to be a Category 2 or a high 3 when it makes landfall NW of New Orleans metro. Winds and Lake Pontchartrain will not be problems, he says. "It will not be anything like Hurricane Katrina," he added, and he meant that in a good way.

Rainfall is going to be the worst problem. The storm could very well stall in Western Louisiana, and New Orleans metro could get heavy rain all week, which will lead to flooding. Be careful Andrea.

I was up all night almost after I read the comment posted. I'm not going to argue with a word of it. This morning, Joe and Sarah got me thinking that I should get the hell out. Then my car wouldn't start. When it did, I got my friend Andrea's truck from Uptown (thank you everybody) and drove it downtown.

Lupe's godfather, K, has lived here all his life, and we'd been on the phone all night. At one point he called to say he was leaving, and then he called back to say he wasn't. K and his wife have a generator and supplies and have waited storms out and evacuated, and it was the phone calls from worried loved ones that finally was the deciding factor.

K knows me well and lately, he's been concerned that I never take his advice. When he decided to go, he gave me all of his gasoline. I felt like the ground was shaking. He'd sworn he'd be right down the street. I asked him to tell me honestly what he thought I should do, and we stood there in his yard on N. Rampart Street, and I asked him if he thought anything would happen to Lupe or to Lupe and me. I told him I would take his advice, but he wouldn't tell me to go. I was ready to leave if he told me to. I can't give the explanation right now for why I took his advice and not other people's advice except that he was standing there in person and the mandatory evacuation had begun. I don't like keeping a blog b/c I'm writing all this stuff as it comes and I haven't figured it out yet. I hope I figure out the reason I was ready to listen to K and not anyone else (I really thought he'd tell me to go), but right now I'm too tired to know. He said he didn't think anything horrible would happen if I stayed. Then he gave me all this ice and gas and left.

Josh boarded up all the windows and got the generator working and we organized all the batteries and flashlights and cooked up a lot of meat and filled up everything we could find with water.

On one hand, it seems like it might be really good for me that I trusted myself that I could handle staying and actually did something I wanted to do. People keep telling me that since I stopped drinking I have more confidence in myself. I have always been the kind of person who has done what I was told to make other people happy. On the other hand, it seems like it's scary and self destructive and crazy that I didn't take anyone's advice and leave. Obviously a therapist will be helpful in this area.

Right now, the forecast (according to B.B.) is better than anyone hoped for, so the reality is that New Orleans is lucky and that I'm lucky. Something is watching over this city, even if it's in the form of dry air.

I sincerely apologize to those whom I have worried.

I went to Flora's right before dark and Ali (sp) the owner was there with his son and a firefighter. His son is in his mid twenties and seems pretty in shape despite the Kool cigarette he offered me while smoking two. I interviewed them on camera, and his son, Mon, said he saved two people's lives during Katrina, and he came here to help his father and anyone else who needed it. The firefighter said he didn't think I was putting his life in danger by staying.

Scattered people wandered the Marigny in pairs. It seems like everyone who stayed has a dog.

The firefighter is assigned to Lakeview, and he he'd been boarding his house up somewhere near me. He expressed concern that I would tell him if I have a gun and insisted I needed one. Aside from that, he said he thought I was prepared. Already, people have approached him asking him for canned food b/c they don't have any.

What else???

The National Guard was everywhere this morning as I drove from Bywater to Gentilly to Uptown and down Tchopitoulas around the Convention Center and then down Decatur. They waved at me. The shell on Franklin and St. Claude was trying to close, but they still had gas. They wouldn't sell anybody anything else, and a few people were bitching that they couldn't buy alcohol or cigars.

I was turning up Dauphine from Elysian Fields around noon, and two people in a really nice looking S.U.V. flagged me down. At first I was confused b/c they didn't have anything in the car, so they obviously weren't evacuating. They asked me how to get to St. Bernard Parrish and they asked me where Claiborne was. I told them, and they explained that they were from A.B.C. news and had a hotel room in the quarter. I gave them directions and my phone number.

Soon after that, Mardi Gras Zone was the only store still open, and as I bought more water and cigarettes, the guy who always works there told me he was going to close and stay inside and open as soon as possible, using generators. I can't imagine how many generators they must have. That place is huge.

I met a man outside who had a Press Pass and was wearing a white T-shirt with PRESS written on it in huge blue letters. He gave me his number and we talked about being afraid of getting arrested/in trouble for being out. Rumors were flying about curfew at that time. He was not invited to wait out the storm with ABC even though he contacted them.

I know someone in the French Quarter who is staying on Dumaine with two doctors. He said he's staying because he can't deal with evacuating and not knowing. I don't know what it is that makes me think I can't deal with evacuating (aside from certain issues involving a companion of mine that I suppose should be reserved for my therapist). I really felt and feel like I couldn't do it. I'm sorry everybody who thinks this is selfish of me. If you think it was stupid of me, you're probably right.

Anyway, it's good to know doctors are around.

The neighbors went to the Nighthawks Diner to wait out the storm, and I guess anybody can go there if they want to get drunk (I am not going to even worry about pronoun number agreement in sentences like that one).

Josh helped all these people board up their windows and knows where a lot of people are staying. I ran into several people I know from the Marigny (know and like, I might add).

It's not raining yet. We've organized everything so we can grab whatever we need at any time. It's just kind of drizzling out and the wind's whipping out just a little bit.

Josh's mother told me that when a large number of people pray (substitute any other word like meditate, etc) it can change the weather. Thank you nuns. Thank you storm for calming down for now. His mother also said she wouldn't have left either and wanted to make sure we hadn't parked our cars under any trees.

For some reason, my parents have been oddly calm and supportive about this. I told them not to watch the news too much, but to read Bob Breck's blog and try not to panic, and they're not panicking. Now that tornados are much much less likely, they actually told me they were glad I stayed.

I made Lupe a floatation device out of styrofoam and we have a floatation device of our own. The animals are not acting like anything weird is going on like I thought they would. Aside from the fact that they've aquired fleas, they're just hanging around begging for chicken. Lupe's been humping her ugly dog toy for an hour now. There is a chicken in the yard by the way. A live one. It could kick Diesel's ass.

I still have a T-Mobile connection for my phone and internet. Something's wrong with my WiFi connection, but T-Mobile said they will send trucks with satellites on them to this area, which was nice of them since their internet service really sucks.

My friend has this alcoholic brother, a really bad one. We've all probably given him change on Decatur at some point in our lives. I guess he got on a plane and is now in a far away state (he was really really drunk). Good for him.

Thank you everybody who loved me enough to tell me to evacuate. Thank you storm for calming down. I'm sorry I made you worry, especially you Erica.

Oh, and my mother says she's glad I have a boyfriend who's not a wimp.

I hope everyone out there is safe and sleeping. If Bob Breck is right, we'll all be here by the end of the week, but you never know.

Good night and God Bless,

Tara Jill